Bad Choices: When the Pickin's Are Slim

Often, I've discussed bad choices in the context of those I could have should have made better.

I've talked about it being bad when the choice is out of your hands.

Today's conundrum is when your options are limited to begin with. Rather, mine.

Under such circumstances, I have been rebuked for my lack of enthusiasm for an option that I am certain is not a good one for me.

Now, I make no pretense of being omniscient. It is always and certainly possible that I am wrong. Even when I'm certain that I'm right. But I'm tired of being told that just because you had an idea, I need to think it's a good idea.

Specifically, I'm talking about dating.

Here's what happened: a friend of mine knows I'm officially in the market for a serious relationship. She suggested I meet the guy she'd just met herself, whom she deemed "a nice guy, but not for her." I appreciate her estimation of him and her thinking of me. But I realized that I know who this guy is and what I know of him makes it unbelievably clear to me that he is not for me (nor I for him).

My well-intentioned friend points out that a cup of coffee is an hour of my life, what do I have to lose? I agree...except that in this case, the guy would have traveled a bit to meet me, and I don't see why I should waste more than an hour of his life, if I'm already clear that we are not going any further than that.

I've always thought that the reason people date (not the "have a good time" motive, but when intent on a real relationship) is to see if they might (eventually) want to spend the rest of their lives together, however that works for them. Thus, if I already know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone, I should not be meeting him under the rubric of "dating."

My friend's response, however, was a put-down: "Good grief."

I've been dating for a while. Admittedly, not successfully in that "rest of my life" kind of way. But I've been exceedingly successful in knowing when the guy is not right for me - and not because I write him off, but because he articulates that conclusion before I have to. Yes, of course, sometimes he wants to continue when I don't, and on the rare occasion when I meet someone whom I find compatible, it has happened that I've been the one to envision more. Nearly always, however, the sense of "wrong" is clear to both of us.

I accept that I'm a challenge - not that I'm such a difficult personality (I'm pretty sure that nearly all of the time, I'm not, and I'm not just saying that because I'm me), but that I don't fit into categories and labels and so on all that easily, which makes it harder to find someone comparable. Indeed, when one of those rare compatible guys recently told me that he wanted "to find someone like you," with the clear indication "but not you," I refrained from pointing out that no one else out there fits that bill (and others agree that I'm not just saying that because I'm me).

http://www.tributemedia.com/blog/kelsey-bates/nows-time-be-unique

But just because relationships and compatibility are complicated (often, anyway) doesn't mean that I need to meet anyone you suggest just because he's available. At this stage of the game, I've earned the right to trust myself as to who is going to be wrong for me, even if I can't know yet who is going to be right for me.

"Good grief" says I'm doing something wrong in dismissing someone I know quite a bit about just because I haven't met him in person. I understand the criticism, but I find it misplaced. If I knew nothing about the guy, I would meet him on my friend's say-so. But I do know about him. So for all that "you never know," sometimes, truly, you know!

I have to trust myself, or I've got nothing. I have to trust also that if the guy is right for me and I'm being "stubborn" in my perception that he's not, then time will tell, and I'll be corrected, but not because I've been rebuked for acting as I see fit. The pool of guys who are eligible for me is not large, and the pool of those who might actually be compatible is far smaller. At the end of the day, however, it only takes one (please God). And if my options are limited, that does not tell me that I should entertain bad ideas simply because they've been suggested. As much as I have a real interest in finding the guy who is right for me, I have no interest in dating "just because."

Am I being picky? There are those who credit me with "always being open-minded." Truthfully, they're giving me too much credit, at least, these days. I'm willing to be open-minded about most things, including all kinds of difficult things (most notably, what luggage the guy is shlepping along with him), but only within the pool of guys who might actually be compatible. Let's call it beneficially selective. And if you think that makes me picky, well, consider the guy who at 45 (I think) refused to date anymore. He'd had enough, there was nobody out there for him, and there was no changing his mind. Except that an ill friend asked him to meet her friend, and he couldn't refuse that. He married that date. It's no predictor for anyone else, necessarily, but clearly opting out of the bad choices doesn't mean the good one won't find you.