Bad Choices: Sex and Drugs and Rock & Roll

Mom, you may be too young for this post. Don't be embarrassed. 

So many bad choices indeed relate to sex... Which ones? Well, the most obvious problem is the consequences of not-safe-sex (think the tragic decimation across the continent of Africa). There are the horrors of sex trade (leaving aside the recent debate in the cyberpages of the New York Times about legalizing prostitution). The prurient, sordid details that capture our basest rubber-necking impulses (not mine!). Children having children - accidentally, I mean. Not to mention (except that I am) the potentially demoralizing training undertaken by the "hook-up nation."  Read and listen here.

Perhaps when combined with drugs (leave aside the music), sex is the victim of poor judgement. But inasmuch as so many bad choices indeed relate to sex, I'd rather talk about the "good choices" that relate to sex. Rather, difficult choices...for the sake of sound body, sound mind, sound soul.

The angst that may permeate decisions of sexuality (and I explicitly do not mean issues of sexual orientation) was well articulated by L.M. Montgomery, most famous for her Anne of Green Gables series. Lesser known are her personal journals, several volumes of them, that attest to a less joyous existence than the author's novels imply. The youthful Volume 1, however, maintains much of the same tone as the beloved novels, with L.M. Montgomery playing the role of her own heroine.

She describes the flush of her first unreasonable crush: "there came over me like a spell the mysterious, irresistible influence which [the boy] exercised over me...an attraction I could neither escape nor overcome and against which all the resolution and will power in the world didn't weigh a feather's weight....I was aware in a dim, vague way, that danger of some sort was surely ahead...." Perhaps she would have been less concerned if the object of her passion had been her fiance, but this crush was deemed unsuitable for all the right reasons. She maintains that "[i]t would be the rankest folly to dream of marrying such a man. If [she] were mad enough to do so--well, [she] would be deliriously happy for a year of so--and wretched, discontented and unhappy all the rest of [her] life..." (pp. 209-210).

She goes on to describe months of temptation, and her very real struggle between following her heart's burning desire and avoiding the scandal and shame and contempt that would inevitably (!) follow her downfall.

Sounds like succumbing would be a "bad choice," eh? Clearly, L.M. Montgomery thought that following her heart would be the wrong move. But even when she felt herself to be "tiptoeing on the brink of utter destruction," she tells us, "I could realize nothing except than that I was in the arms of of the man I loved as I had never dreamed I could love" (p. 211).

Thus, my label of "difficult choices" - where both sides of the decision have favorable elements (one might argue that even the worst of cases have an upside, at least in the rush of the moment). Thus, the fact that I have a very hard time talking about sexuality in the context of "bad choices." Too many paint sex with a very dirty brush - which runs counter not only to my sense of nature (human beings are hard-wired with sexual desire, beyond the need for propagation of all species), but also to my sense of the Bible, from which so many glean their taboos.

For many, the idea that sexual intimacy was part and parcel of life in the Garden of Eden is radical at best, and blasphemy at worst. It's a subtle point of grammar, but in the fourth chapter of Genesis, after the account of the expulsion from Eden, the Bible tells of the births of Cain and Abel.  The verse says: ואדם ידע את חוה אשתו - and in the Hebrew lies the import of the verse. NOT: "And Adam knew his wife Eve" (this is where "knowledge" got its "biblical sense").  Rather, "And Adam had known his wife Eve." (If you don't believe me, find a biblical Hebrew grammarian, and ask him or her the difference between וידע and והוא ידע). That is, prior to the previous details, namely, the expulsion and the sins that led up to it, there had been "knowledge" between Adam and his wife Eve. Getting kicked out of the Garden of Eden was punishment for sin (giving in to temptation, apathy, malice - depending on which sinning party), but the awareness of nakedness that followed the eating from the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil seems not to indicate an awakening of sexuality, but an awakening of shame. And thus our sense of bad sexual choices, indeed.

Granted, the Bible does legislate against all kinds of sexual interaction. Incest is clearly and explicitly delimited - including its accompanying punishment of death. Moreover, the biblical injunction against sexual intimacy with a menstruant woman (one who has reached puberty, but who has not purified herself by dunking in 40 se'ah of water (the contemporary mikveh) after her previous menstrual period) has yielded a vast topic in Jewish law, and a prurient interest in the lives of those Orthodox Jews who adhere to these laws, including not touching before marriage.

For the most poignant, painful, heart-wrenching, honest discourse on what it means to be shomer negiah in an age when people are not, and at an age when those who are usually no longer have to be (marriage!), see the "primal scream" of Nice Jewish Girl. I do not know her personally (well, she's very anonymous, so if I do know her, I don't know that I do), but I do know that (just about) anyone who is seriously committed to keeping halakhah has grappled with the challenges of these laws.

Let's assume, for the sake of the discussion, that everyone manages to keep all of the laws (in reality, the range of observance is about as great as the variety of people). Jewish law mandates against premarital sexual contact, but strongly encourages the positive elements of sexual intimacy within the context of marriage. Hence, The Newlywed's Guide to Physical Intimacy, by Jennie Rosenfeld and David Ribner. They address those who take the laws of intimacy seriously, and answer the concern that publishing on this topic is inherently immodest by explaining that since frank conversation no longer (usually) takes place in the home, written works become valuable. They remind us that "[s]hared sexual activity, helped along by hormones, nerve endings, and [the] five senses, can help [us] achieve a level of physical pleasure not possible elsewhere in...life." And that "...enjoyment as sexual partners is more than just physical; it can bring [a couple] to a place of closeness with another person that no other experience can provide" (p. 9). Again, human beings are hard-wired for the sexual experience.

Which brings me to the words of a (sometimes) wise man, where the complexity of sexual intimacy and decision-making is well recognized (and I'll leave him with the last words for today):

"Sexual experience...is a story that includes prep time, mood, and a host of other factors. For instance, does one require romantic activities - dinner, shared activity, conversation - gradual buildup - familiar touches, massage, holding - and sweet nothings? Or is the unexpected "take and throw me down" welcome? Is romance, passion, and an enveloping mental connection most desirable, or the pure intense body part and mental...stimulation? Or are both welcome at different times?....More importantly, in a healthy relationship, sex is not the end-all, but one component in a relationship that drives the rest...."

Waiting...waiting...waiting....

When all is said and done...when you've agonized and deliberated and weighed the pros and cons ad nauseum, until even you yourself can't bear going over the details again...when you've finally reached the conclusions that make sense to you (in light of all that you've considered thus far)...then...then....

That is when the waiting game begins.

That is when you must be patient to see the fruits of your labor. To determine whether your conclusions can coexist with the "real world." To hear how others receive your conclusions. To find out whether all of the parameters that you accepted as givens while you were agonizing and deliberating and weighing are indeed to be the parameters of your experience.

The "game" of the "waiting game" is the challenge of knowing that this too shall pass (and figuring out what to do with your time in the interim). Your dependence on others to realize the outcomes of what you've decided is fleeting (even when it's long). In the scheme of things, you can be glad that you've arrived at the stage you have reached - and that, at least for the time being (however brief), matters are out of your hands. The outcomes will come...come what may.

Quick: Cast Your Vote

Except that this election (United States presidency, in case you missed it - between Obama and Romney) may not be a "quick" decision for you.

Far be it from me to pontificate about politics. I'm not even local to the debates.

But for a change, depending on where you live, of course, the outcome of this year's election may depend on your vote. For the rest of us (my absentee ballot is unlikely to be read, let alone make or break the count), the outcome of this year's election has ramifications.

That is, there are elections where the candidates seem to be largely on the same page - campaign rhetoric aside.  Really not the case this year.

For a change, I care pretty strongly about who wins. I think that there is a clear "better option" for the country, and even perhaps the world. Especially in these hard times - economically, militarily, socially - who the next United States president is may really make a difference. This, as compared to years when POTUS was merely "the most powerful man in the world" - and whoever filled the seat would do the job that needed to be done.

I don't feel that way this year. This year, your decision counts.

Moreover, there's that civic duty. Somehow, I feel bound by it - despite the fact that I am voting in a state with a foregone conclusion. Moreover, I am doing so, as I said, via absentee ballot, and the policy is not to read the absentee ballots unless the local votes are close enough that the election would hinge on the absentee ballots. So I care about the outcome this year, but my vote will technically not be counted. Why bother? In part, because I can - I have the right to vote. In part, because if my 93-year-old grandmother (as of today, in fact) has never missed a presidential election, how can I?

The polls are still open. Go vote!

[Note that I'm posting in a GMT+2 time zone - the polls are open in the U.S.; it's the next day already here.]