For a Change, New Year's Eve

I've written extensively enough about specific resolutions and the value of making resolutions that I thought I'd try something different this time.

Let's try tootling along. It's a merry way.

I'm as good as the next one - likely better - at driving myself crazy with decisions, resolutions, and re-thinking (to wit, this blog). Having recently experienced the high degree of edginess that follows in the wake of too much of all that, and having spent enough minutes, hours, days, and weeks of this past year in the deep throes of decision-making, I think it's time to relax a bit, take things in stride, and let the year come (with greatness, please!) as it may.

Quick: Speaking vs. Silence?

For the most part, I sign on to the proverbial wisdom that it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt. "Proverbial wisdom" in that, while I've seen this line attributed to Mark Twain, George Elliot, Abraham Lincoln, and others, the proverb that makes the point translates to, "Even a fool, when he holds his peace, is counted wise; and he that shuts his lips is esteemed as a man of understanding." For the purists among you, "גַּם אֱוִיל מַחֲרִישׁ, חָכָם יֵחָשֵׁב; אֹטֵם שְׂפָתָיו נָבוֹן" (Proverbs 17:28).

http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/only-in-silence-the-word

Nonetheless, the same King Solomon who authored Proverbs points out elsewhere (Ecclesiastes 3: 7, according to the teaching that he authored this wisdom literature as well) that there are indeed times to speak: עֵת לַחֲשׁוֹת וְעֵת לְדַבֵּר.

So, the question is - when is the better part of wisdom to stick your neck out and say something, and when should you keep quiet? And...how to choose between the two, of course. Surely, we can list the scenarios when one might deliberate whether to say anything.

High on the list is rebuke - when is it appropriate to rebuke another person? What relationship must be in place for rebuke to have a chance of being effective?

As a matter of Jewish law, giving rebuke is a mitzvah - commanded (since I'm giving sources today, see Leviticus 19:17). But the legal commentators limit that requirement to only those circumstances in which one has hope of being effective. Indeed, that may depend on the relationship - parents, teachers, authority figures may have better hope of exhorting the change they wish to see. It may also depend on the manner of rebuke. The general rule is that one attracts more flies with honey than with vinegar (who wants to attract flies, honestly?), and often a sweet approach will coax another to your cause, even unto reforming him or herself. But sometimes, firm tough love is not only the best means of rehabilitating undesirable behavior, but the only means (tough on the practitioner, though).

Low on the list is unsolicited criticism - when is it appropriate to criticize another, unasked? What relationship must be in place for criticizing to be legitimate (even if it might be warranted)?

If criticism is constructive, then it does not fall into this category. I mean the kind of critique that feels gratuitous, even if the critic has a point. And for this kind of speech, two really good rules of thumb are available: "when in doubt, do without" (if you aren't sure if you should criticize, you'll probably do better keeping your mouth shut); and "if you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing." That second rule is especially useful to people who believe that any and all of their criticism is constructive - though the recipients of their instruction react otherwise. Are there any relationships where gratuitous criticism is warranted? I'll go out on a limb and say no. If you are in a position of being responsible for the welfare or improvement of another, then figure out how to turn your gratuitous criticism constructive. Or keep it to yourself.

In between (well, since I'm not suggesting the effective rebuke and egregious criticism are the extreme ends of the spectrum, these are officially "in between" too, but no matter), fall all of the comments that you want to say, but aren't sure you should and all of the comments that you know you must say, but really don't want to.

• You have lettuce between your teeth.
• I'm just not that into you.
• or alternatively, early on: You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
• The boss thought you were out of line.
• I'll do this work for free.
• You have a lot of nerve...
• No problem!

Do you want to say the unpopular thing? I bet you don't. I bet you don't want to render yourself vulnerable either. Most people avoid putting themselves at risk most of the time. Even when it behooves them to stick their neck out. Though if you really don't know what you're talking about, you'll do far better by keeping quiet.

And for the extremes...

The above deliberations do not address the obvious requirement to notify sleeping folks of fire in a burning building, or key authorities regarding caregiver abuse, or any of those other occasions when one is simply required to speak. Nor do they address the obvious requirement to refrain from slander and hate-speech. 

One final opportunity to speak or remain silent stops me in my tracks. The trickiest "in-between" cases, I believe, are when speaking will make or break the dynamic between people. When describing a situation makes it real...or when expressing an observation destroys what there was to be seen...When talking something through gets you through...or when talking about conflict highlights problems that otherwise might not truly have existed... Sometimes, words are required; sometimes, words shatter the moment.

Note that this post is not the "final word" on when to speak. We return to Proverbs (18:21) to remember that life and death are in the hands of the tongue - or, more precisely (since that figure of speech makes little sense: מָוֶת וְחַיִּים, בְּיַד-לָשׁוֹן - Death and life are in the power of the tongue. Whither speech?

The Calm after the Storm

By contrast, after a storm anything will be a "lull."

Just ask the folks in the New York area who are still recovering from Hurricane Sandy, and will be for some time. In the aftermath of the storm, the quiet is palpable, but not necessarily - and in this case not at all - peaceful.

http://news.yahoo.com/photos/nasa-handout-image-hurricane-sandy-photo-172728280.html

Nonetheless, there's something remarkable about the quiet that follows in the wake of the whirlwind.

After the winds cease, after the armistice is signed, after the fire is extinguished, and, yes, after the decision is made...Even when there is still "clean-up" to do after the storm, the pause in hostilities is palpable...and valuable.

The most regular, reliable experience of this exquisite calm appears every Friday evening about 17 minutes before sunset (39 minutes in Jerusalem)...or at worst, at sunset itself. That is, after what is likely to have been a busy week and often enough a crazy-hectic Friday afternoon of cooking and cleaning or travel, the moment after Shabbos candles are lit....it's all gone. Dissolved.

Though the "Kabbalat Shabbat" psalms that follow mincha and precede ma'ariv on Friday nights are great favorites, I love the rush of enforced calm that enters the home with candlelighting. Just before racing off to shul - or perhaps instead of doing so - I am forced to stop. Stop cooking, stop cleaning, stop writing. Close the computer, the phone, the stereo. I'm pushed to react differently in that "white space" that appears in the cessation of the weekday demands that pull in many directions. The house is quiet, time is released, and I breathe.

Buy a print of Jan Statman's "Shabbat Candles" here:
http://fineartamerica.com/featured/shabbat-candles-jan-statman.html

The experience of ushering in Shabbat can't be replicated, not really. But in the wake of making a decision - that is, once you have made the decision - there is a profound calm that follows the distress of deciding. When the noise of the sides that tug at you is quieted, what remains is not only the absence of the clamor, but an intense hush.

Until the next choice prevails...

Update to the Puppy Post

If you recall, I couldn't find a digital photo that accurately depicted Freckles. Well, this week, I saw a picture that so resembled her that I immediately sent the link to all immediate family members.

In response to the question: "Really looks like her, no?" we have:

My father's reaction:
I don't recall ever taking such a photo, but there can't be that many dogs with that combination of head and floppy ears.

My mother's reaction:
Oh, my!  We didn't know she was "moonlighting" as a model for a dog's life!  Somehow I think Freckles' coat was a little nicer but it sure does look like her!

My sister's reaction:
exactly!!!

Here's the photo - it's not our dog come back from the grave, but a dead-ringer for her, at least in her laziest moments:

Where does decision-making fit into this? Go back and ask my mother who decided to bring the puppy home.