Bad Choices: When the Pickin's Are Slim

Often, I've discussed bad choices in the context of those I could have should have made better.

I've talked about it being bad when the choice is out of your hands.

Today's conundrum is when your options are limited to begin with. Rather, mine.

Under such circumstances, I have been rebuked for my lack of enthusiasm for an option that I am certain is not a good one for me.

Now, I make no pretense of being omniscient. It is always and certainly possible that I am wrong. Even when I'm certain that I'm right. But I'm tired of being told that just because you had an idea, I need to think it's a good idea.

Specifically, I'm talking about dating.

Here's what happened: a friend of mine knows I'm officially in the market for a serious relationship. She suggested I meet the guy she'd just met herself, whom she deemed "a nice guy, but not for her." I appreciate her estimation of him and her thinking of me. But I realized that I know who this guy is and what I know of him makes it unbelievably clear to me that he is not for me (nor I for him).

My well-intentioned friend points out that a cup of coffee is an hour of my life, what do I have to lose? I agree...except that in this case, the guy would have traveled a bit to meet me, and I don't see why I should waste more than an hour of his life, if I'm already clear that we are not going any further than that.

I've always thought that the reason people date (not the "have a good time" motive, but when intent on a real relationship) is to see if they might (eventually) want to spend the rest of their lives together, however that works for them. Thus, if I already know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone, I should not be meeting him under the rubric of "dating."

My friend's response, however, was a put-down: "Good grief."

I've been dating for a while. Admittedly, not successfully in that "rest of my life" kind of way. But I've been exceedingly successful in knowing when the guy is not right for me - and not because I write him off, but because he articulates that conclusion before I have to. Yes, of course, sometimes he wants to continue when I don't, and on the rare occasion when I meet someone whom I find compatible, it has happened that I've been the one to envision more. Nearly always, however, the sense of "wrong" is clear to both of us.

I accept that I'm a challenge - not that I'm such a difficult personality (I'm pretty sure that nearly all of the time, I'm not, and I'm not just saying that because I'm me), but that I don't fit into categories and labels and so on all that easily, which makes it harder to find someone comparable. Indeed, when one of those rare compatible guys recently told me that he wanted "to find someone like you," with the clear indication "but not you," I refrained from pointing out that no one else out there fits that bill (and others agree that I'm not just saying that because I'm me).

http://www.tributemedia.com/blog/kelsey-bates/nows-time-be-unique

But just because relationships and compatibility are complicated (often, anyway) doesn't mean that I need to meet anyone you suggest just because he's available. At this stage of the game, I've earned the right to trust myself as to who is going to be wrong for me, even if I can't know yet who is going to be right for me.

"Good grief" says I'm doing something wrong in dismissing someone I know quite a bit about just because I haven't met him in person. I understand the criticism, but I find it misplaced. If I knew nothing about the guy, I would meet him on my friend's say-so. But I do know about him. So for all that "you never know," sometimes, truly, you know!

I have to trust myself, or I've got nothing. I have to trust also that if the guy is right for me and I'm being "stubborn" in my perception that he's not, then time will tell, and I'll be corrected, but not because I've been rebuked for acting as I see fit. The pool of guys who are eligible for me is not large, and the pool of those who might actually be compatible is far smaller. At the end of the day, however, it only takes one (please God). And if my options are limited, that does not tell me that I should entertain bad ideas simply because they've been suggested. As much as I have a real interest in finding the guy who is right for me, I have no interest in dating "just because."

Am I being picky? There are those who credit me with "always being open-minded." Truthfully, they're giving me too much credit, at least, these days. I'm willing to be open-minded about most things, including all kinds of difficult things (most notably, what luggage the guy is shlepping along with him), but only within the pool of guys who might actually be compatible. Let's call it beneficially selective. And if you think that makes me picky, well, consider the guy who at 45 (I think) refused to date anymore. He'd had enough, there was nobody out there for him, and there was no changing his mind. Except that an ill friend asked him to meet her friend, and he couldn't refuse that. He married that date. It's no predictor for anyone else, necessarily, but clearly opting out of the bad choices doesn't mean the good one won't find you.

...or what's a heaven for?

http://yag65.deviantart.com/art/487-352902985
If I could buy this print, I would, but so far it's only available at the above URL.

There Are Ways...And There Are Ways...

That's my final decision, and I don't want to discuss it more, or read
or hear any more about why you feel differently. It takes an emotional
toll to keep reading or hearing about it. I want it behind me.

Ironically, the above was said as a reaction against something that hadn't even been said. It's a harsh statement that suggests the context of an argument. But I hadn't been arguing. Nearly three weeks earlier, it had already been exceedingly, if unfortunately, clear to me that the decision was final. While it's true that I didn't think the decision should have been final (or made at all, for that matter), after my initial plea for a different course of action three weeks earlier, I left off agitating for what I thought to be better.

Which is not to say that I left off communicating altogether. Hindsight suggests that I should have. There's no question but that it would have been more considerate of me to have left things alone altogether. But I was experiencing my own emotional toll, and no longer had the context to warrant moving myself over to honor the preferences of the other. Maybe if I'd had hope that reticence would have produced a different result, I would have managed it. But I didn't.

Thus did I express what I found myself pressed to express.

In my own defense, I will say that I revised and edited and re-read and re-read before hitting Send (email, of course). I made sure that I wasn't lashing out. I kept from being defensive or attacking or whining. Believe me, I have greater reason in this particular circumstance to lash out. An attack from me would have been understandable, and more warranted. But instead of wanting to slash tires and the like, I was stuck in caring and gratitude and whatever shredded modicum of hope I could muster.

I tried really hard to pay attention to the impact my words would have on my reader - since I couldn't manage my reader's ideal of no words from me at all.

So what makes me find the above statement particularly harsh is that it was not couched in any niceties at all. I understand that it was coming from a place of frustration and hurt and some measure of emotional turmoil...but the same point could have been made nicely, and without the implicit attack on me. Some recognition of how that "final decision" was affecting me (not well) would have been welcome. Made the undesirable decision that was not mine more manageable.

It may not be fair for me to judge others for their decisions when I think they're wrongly made and poorly rendered, but in my unfairness, it is clear to me that the same message wasn't presented...well, better.