Since we're talking about love and we're talking about decisions -- what do you do when you see that a relationship is more difficult than most people think relationships should be? Do you tell yourself - "I'm in love, and love conquers all"? Or do you say - "Enough is enough is enough"?
Sometimes, the different approaches may be ascribed to personality. Are you the kind of person who quits while you're ahead? Or never until you're far behind? Other times, reacting to a relationship is due to the relationship itself. I know, for example, that I am prone to toughing out the tough times in a relationship until I'm far far far behind....but I also know that I don't do that for "just anyone." He'd have to worth my trying that hard to begin with.
What happens when there are external factors making the relationship difficult? Family members...mental illness (or condition, anyway)...job responsibilities...children and/or exes.... At what point do you say, "this person is worth all the travail, all the garbage, all the toil, and therefore nothing will ever push me to leave"? At what point do you say, "I love THIS person, but not all the baggage he or she brings to the relationship, and therefore I must move on"?
What happens when you sacrifice yourself for the sake of your significant other? That is, when you abandon critical parts of yourself to accommodate the needs (or even only preferences) of him or her. On the one hand, that sounds like a travesty. It's so ingrained that we must be true to ourselves. But doesn't every relationship inherently demand self-sacrifice, and even self-effacement, on occasion? And if it's just a matter of degree, when does one put the needs of the other first to such dire effect that he or she has crossed the line into "travesty"?
Often, the most obvious decision with regard to love is whether to continue pursuing it. Except that for those in love, it's rarely a decision. For years, I have been hearing about how brain scans of a person falling in love light up in the same places that cocaine addicts' brains light up (that is, romantic love is fundamentally a "reward" like food and drink and drugs to an addict). But a more recent study (2010) indicates that the process of falling in love may take no more than one-fifth of a second (for the newspaper account, see here; for the scholarship, see here). No matter what you believe about free will, a fifth of a second does not leave much window for deliberative conclusions. And then, you're addicted. No hope at all of deciding that a given dynamic might be bad for you. Too late. You're hooked.
The very worst might be when you know - you know! - that you ought to be loving him (or her). You have so much in common. You connect beautifully. You "tick" compatibly. You communicate effectively together. And yet, for whatever reason, the "chemistry" isn't there. Oh, I take it back. Worse than that is when all of that is in place, but the chemistry is indeed there for you, but not for him (or her). Dashed hope - the worst! You have a glimmer of the best that could be (for you). That powerful, addictive profound love that lights up our brains like cocaine seems within reach. His (or her) verdict against that is particularly painful. Especially because you don't share it. But also, simply, because the good you see seems not to be.
In light of all of these decisions of love, however, I'm reminded by a friend's point: the same way you can't outrun ill-fortune, the good will find you too. Perhaps it's fatalistic or perhaps it's faith, but the notion of "meant-to-be" (more another time) is very helpful. For if it is meant to be, it will be. The good will find you. Eventually. We hope.
DISCLAIMER: Significant readers (like my mother) like to infer that anything I write here is a direct commentary on my life. Au contraire. Often, something I encounter will trigger a formulation or provoke my desire for further investigation. To that extent, my reality is indeed represented here. But if I had any interest in a personal expose blog, I would not be writing "Choices."
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